I think a good way to describe Diabetes is that it is like a roller coaster....there are ups and downs and lots of unexpected twists and turns along the way. These ups and downs and twists and turns can come in the form of the highs and lows of blood sugars and the sometimes unexpected diagnosis of a long term complication or maybe a request for a pump being turned down but they can also be related to the emotional side of living with Diabetes.
For me, an example of the emotions you can go through would be the last couple of days during which I have felt angry, hateful, tired, upset, tearful, self-pitying, irrational, like giving up, frustrated, powerless, pathetic, like a failure, guilty, energetic, motivated, happy, proud, relieved and disappointed....and that's just in the space of about 36 hours so imagine the range of emotions people with Diabetes go through from the date of diagnosis and then for the rest of your life.....that's a lot of ups and downs!!!
Yesterday was a bad day for me Diabetes-wise in terms of just wanting to ignore it and pretend it wasn't happening to me. During the day I felt anger and hatred towards this life long condition that has decided to inflict itself upon me and my family. I wanted it to go away and leave us all alone, even if it was just for a little while!!! Like I said yesterday, you sometimes feel like you want to ask Diabetes "why me?" and that was where the self-pitying came in. By the end of the day I felt like a total and utter failure and completely pathetic for not having the willpower to leave the chocolate alone and just do what I needed to do (i.e. count carbs, test sugars etc.).
Then as this morning came I felt guilty, like a fraud and like I had let everyone down. These feelings are because I have been extremely lucky in being given the chance to have an insulin pump and that means total commitment to it and to your Diabetes.....yesterday was not a good way to show my commitment or gratitude!!! My sugars first thing were 16.7 so I made the decision (a monumental one for a person such as me who can't stand exercise) to not get down about it and to do something positive so I dusted off one of my old dance workout dvd's and tried to reduce my sugar levels that way. It has been a looooong time since I did any exercise so afterwards I felt really good that I had done it and actually enjoyed it too. It's only a small step but every little helps, as they say.
Before lunch my sugar was down to 6.5 so the exercise had had a really positive effect on both my sugars and my mood (this was where the feelings of relief came in - I had totally changed my attitude from yesterday and done something good to improve my sugars - and it had worked). Then after lunch I suddenly felt hypo.....sugars down to 3.1.....aside from the shakiness, sweating, intense hunger and feeling weak there was the familiar feeling of disappointment!!!!! I thought I was doing so well in my attempt to be a "good Diabetic" today and then it all went wrong.
My sugars are currently 11.0 which isn't too bad (for me anyway) especially after treating a hypo earlier on. I'm back to feeling fairly positive and trying to focus on the fact that I'm getting my trial pumps next week so it's all becoming very real very quickly.....and of course, with that comes a whole new set of emotions.....
There really is no getting off this roller coaster that is Type 1 Diabetes!!!
P.S. Huge thank you to Gareth for putting up with all of these emotions and for riding the roller coaster with me!!! x x x